Parenting and Parental Desire
Check out this posting on CraigsList's volunteers-wanted section:
http://sandiego.craigslist.org/vol/44692536.html
So very odd.
I was most interested to read how this woman signed the posting: "Mom to wonderful, big-hearted son!" ... why would a 3 year old kid voluntarily offer to serve bread at a holiday dinner? Why would a 9 year old independently push to organize a dance and clothing drive? Judging from the situation and the way this was written, it seems more likely that either:
(1) The mother is projecting her desire onto the child. By this I mean that she is naturally giving and is using her child as a conduit through which to make things happen. Who WOULDN'T want to help a 9 year old kid make the world a better place, after all?
(2) The mother *wants* her child to be "big-hearted"... and wants to advertise it. I think this is more likely.
It's natural to want to brag about your kids -- about their musical accomplishments, about their sporting skills, about their intellectual accumen, or about their drive and perseverence. But where is the line that separates recognition FOR THE CHILD and recognition FOR THE PARENT. In other words, is it proper, as a parent, to let your child's accomplishments reflect on you, or should those accomplishments be owned BY THE CHILD?
I would argue that accomplishments (and problems) should be owned by the child. In the early years, the principle parental role is one of sheltering -- protecting the child from the dangers around him. In later years, the principle role is one of guidance -- teaching the child how to effectively interact with the world around him. Later still, the principle role is one of consultation -- offering assistance where requested.
In countries like the United States where individuality and personal (in a truly *individual* sense) responsibility are highly valued cultural traits, it's important to encourage children to stand on their "own to feet" as early as is reasonable. Raising children to bring glory to the family name not only fails to accomplish this, but it also increases the probability that the child will forcefully assert their culturally natural tendency to seize their own personal responsibility.
The woman in this posting may or may not be acting in this way -- there is too little information to make a definitive decision -- but it is important for every child, regardless of family status, to be given the opportunity to make a name solely for him or herself, to know that in the history book of the world, they stand as their own entry and not a footnote to that of their parents.
http://sandiego.craigslist.org/vol/44692536.html
Reply to: anon-44692536@craigslist.org
Date:
2004-10-06, 8:47AM PDT
My 9yr old son has decided that he wants to help out
the community. He's
looking for a location to donate the use of their
building for a dance. The
event would take place in November. We need to
have it booked so that we can
finish with the rest of the promotion and
sponsorship gathering.
The dance will be all ages. No alcohol will
be served. Entry fees are just
1 package of new socks or underwear.
Rejalla's Sock Hop will donate all the
items raised to the annual Christmas
dinner put on by Maxine Wilson, who passed
away earlier this year. Rejalla
has attended and volunteered at her dinners for
the past 6 years (yes, since
he was 3 - he started out serving slices of bread!)
This event is
very important to my son. He wants as many people to get
involved as
possible, so that those who need it most can benefit.
Please, send
any information or help to rejalla@jillstrades.com.
Thanks,
Mom to wonderful, big-hearted son!
So very odd.
I was most interested to read how this woman signed the posting: "Mom to wonderful, big-hearted son!" ... why would a 3 year old kid voluntarily offer to serve bread at a holiday dinner? Why would a 9 year old independently push to organize a dance and clothing drive? Judging from the situation and the way this was written, it seems more likely that either:
(1) The mother is projecting her desire onto the child. By this I mean that she is naturally giving and is using her child as a conduit through which to make things happen. Who WOULDN'T want to help a 9 year old kid make the world a better place, after all?
(2) The mother *wants* her child to be "big-hearted"... and wants to advertise it. I think this is more likely.
It's natural to want to brag about your kids -- about their musical accomplishments, about their sporting skills, about their intellectual accumen, or about their drive and perseverence. But where is the line that separates recognition FOR THE CHILD and recognition FOR THE PARENT. In other words, is it proper, as a parent, to let your child's accomplishments reflect on you, or should those accomplishments be owned BY THE CHILD?
I would argue that accomplishments (and problems) should be owned by the child. In the early years, the principle parental role is one of sheltering -- protecting the child from the dangers around him. In later years, the principle role is one of guidance -- teaching the child how to effectively interact with the world around him. Later still, the principle role is one of consultation -- offering assistance where requested.
In countries like the United States where individuality and personal (in a truly *individual* sense) responsibility are highly valued cultural traits, it's important to encourage children to stand on their "own to feet" as early as is reasonable. Raising children to bring glory to the family name not only fails to accomplish this, but it also increases the probability that the child will forcefully assert their culturally natural tendency to seize their own personal responsibility.
The woman in this posting may or may not be acting in this way -- there is too little information to make a definitive decision -- but it is important for every child, regardless of family status, to be given the opportunity to make a name solely for him or herself, to know that in the history book of the world, they stand as their own entry and not a footnote to that of their parents.
posted by Justin at 1:53 PM
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